You know how they say “Fake it till you make it?” I feel like I’ve been operating under that notion for the bulk of my playwriting career. But recently, I’ve started to actually feel like I’m making it, not because I’m faking it, but because I have the knowledge, skills, and grit to actually make it. It’s a very odd feeling. After years of using my best guesses, I’m actually starting to feel like I might know a thing or two about what I’m doing.
Someone recently said to me “You’re the expert!” and there was a tiny twinge inside me in response. No, I can’t be an expert in anything. I’m still figuring it out as I go. But maybe I have become quite practiced at the figuring out. I still don’t love the connotations of the word “expert,” mostly because of the expectations others might place on such a title. But if, if, I am an expert, it’s not because I have it all figured out, but because… I’ve gotten good at figuring things out as I go. With enough “faking it,” I’ve now gotten enough experience to know how to think through decisions and problems in my career. Decisions and problems that might be fresh and new for others.
Yes, an odd feeling. Oddly quiet. Oddly reassured. I’m not flailing about trying to make sense of everything. After all my flailing (and failing), many things have come together. And the things that still don’t make sense, I’ve learned to maneuver through and with. Of course, the “faking it” hasn’t ended. Each time you level up in a video game, there is more to learn about the skills or items you’ve acquired along the way. And I’ll still need the expertise of others. But this lifestyle of “fake it till you make it” has started to look more and more like… “this is how you make it.”